IT'S NOT GOODBYE....JUST WORDS THAT CRY....FROM A TORTURED SOUL...WITH HEAVY SIGH

throw hells hot liquid fire
to belly empty
burn
and eat all
internal organs within
no meaning anymore
no sense
in mans destruction
caused
by greed and
floor does beckon me to fall
angels voice not heard
but evils call
take me as i am
not pure
but purer still than some
against all belief
and strength of will
my body doth i give
to end all pain and misery
a game you win
as frail i am
the night draws close
to sun of day
and all that passed
has fade away
forgotten
amongst a winter breeze
to pastures new i beg
oh please
the last goodnight
the longest sleep
oh lord
my heart and soul doth keep
oh children of my body sigh
yet now
no reason for you to wheep
past rivers of tears
all run dry
a message i leave
to my born
to my kin
peace is a trial
that we must ....must win !!

Domestic violence and the Criminal Justice system

Domestic violence and the Criminal Justice system
The following question was answered in the House of Lords on 02 December 2009.
Lord Sheikh asked Her Majesty's Government what steps they will take to ensure that more people who are responsible for inflicting domestic abuse are dealt with by the criminal justice system.
The Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State, Home Office (Lord West of Spithead) replied that the Government's national domestic violence delivery plan sets out our framework for tackling domestic violence. One of the objectives is to improve the justice system's response to domestic violence by supporting victims and managing perpetrators. Activities which support the delivery of this objective include:
• updating domestic violence training for the police and Crown Prosecution Service to ensure a consistent and appropriate response to victims;
• rolling out to all police forces the new risk assessment checklist which covers domestic violence, stalking and harassment and 'honour'-based violence;
• increasing the number of the specialist domestic violence court systems to provide a multi-agency approach to supporting victims thereby bringing more offenders to justice.
The government strategy Together We Can End Violence Against Women and Girls, included a section on the response of the criminal justice system. One of the priorities is to bring more offenders to justice by improving reporting and conviction rates. A number of proposals for addressing perpetrators of violence (submitted by Chief Constable Brian Moore) are also being considered.



HHHMMMM WHAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED IS THE SENTENCING THEN MAYBE THE FIGURES WOULDNT BE SO HIGH....DETTERANCE IS THE KEY...BECAUSE THE AFTERMATH IS ALREADY TOO LATE !!!!

WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

IT'S SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS IMAGE OF A LADY WITH BLACK EYES...THAT'S THE SURFACE !


Domestic violence is physical, psychological, sexual or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called 'honour' crimes. Domestic violence often includes a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are, in themselves, inherently 'violent' - hence some people prefer to use the term 'domestic abuse' rather than 'domestic violence'.
Research shows that it affects one in four women in their lifetime. Two women a week are killed by their partners or former partners.
All forms of domestic violence - psychological, financial, emotional and physical - come from the abuser's desire for power and control over an intimate partner or other family members. Domestic violence is repetitive and life-threatening, and gets worse over time and can ruin women and children's lives.Any woman can experience domestic violence regardless of race, ethnic or religious group, class, disability or lifestyle. Domestic violence can also take place in lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender relationships. Domestic violence can also be perpetrated by other family members (for example, extended family). In some cases, older children - teenagers or young adults - are violent or abusive towards their mothers or other family members.

Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship.

** Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally threatening.
* Pressure tactics: sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the telephone, taking the car away, taking the children away, or reporting you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands; threatening or attempting suicide; withholding or pressuring you to use drugs or other substances; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
* Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.
* Breaking trust: lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.
* Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives; shutting you in the house.
* Harassment: following you; checking up on you; not allowing you any privacy (for example, opening your mail), repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you; embarrassing you in public; accompanying you everywhere you go.
* Threats: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to kill or harm family pets; threats of suicide.
* Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don't want it; forcing you to look at pornographic material; forcing you to have sex with other people; any degrading treatment related to your sexuality or to whether you are lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual.
* Physical violence: punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling.
* Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.

'Blaming the victim' is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour, and quite often they manage to convince their victims that the abuse is indeed their fault. This is an easy escape route and is in itself abusive. Blaming their behaviour on someone else, or on the relationship, their childhood, their ill health, or their alcohol or drug addiction is one way in which many abusers try to avoid personal responsibility for their behaviour.

CHILDREN ARE AFFECTED BY WHAT THEY SEE

THEY LIVE THE TORTURES THEY WITNESS

THEY HAVE NIGHTMARES

THEY ARE MENTALLY SCARRED FOR LIFE

IT HAS TO STOP !!

SUSAN BEATEN NEAR TO DEATH BY AN EARLY RELEASE CRIMINAL !!

IMAGES LIKE THESE ARE HORRIFIC FOR YOU TO WITNESS BUT THINK OF THE INDIVIDUALS THAT GO THROUGH THESE TORTURES BECAUSE 'THE SYSTEM' LETS THESE EVIL PEOPLE FREE ON OUR STREETS !
WE ALL DESERVE TO LIVE IN PEACE AND NOT IN FEAR !
WHY IS IT THAT CRIMINALS GET SO MANY RIGHTS ?
WE NEED TO STAND FIRM TOGETHER TO MAKE A CHANGE !

is this enough ?

in politics.co.uk


Charlotte Atkins MP supports ending Violence Against Women
Monday, 07, Dec 2009 12:00

Staffordshire Moorlands Labour MP Charlotte Atkins joined a group of MPs recently who are united in their support to end violence against women. The White Ribbon Campaign, the largest international organisation targeting men to work towards ending male violence against women, organised the event at Westminster.

As Chris Green, chair of the White Ribbon Campaign UK, said: “Parliamentarians enter parliament in order to make their community a better place. There is no more important way to do this than by working to eliminate violence against women.”

Every week in the UK, two women are killed as a result of domestic violence. There are countless victims of sexual assault, rape, incest, forced marriage, FGM, trafficking, and honour killing. The White Ribbon Campaign is, therefore, very supportive of the Home Office’s new strategy, ‘Together We Can End Violence Against Women and Girls’.

“Violence against women and girls is an obscenity. That is why we are taking action to bring perpetrators to justice and protect and support victims, but also to challenge the attitude that attacks on women and girls are in any way acceptable. A fair and responsible Britain has no place for violence of any sort,” said Ms Atkins.

“Violence against women and girls ruins lives, breaks up families and has a lasting impact across the generations. Much has been done over recent years to increase protection for women and to prosecute their attackers. However, this is a complex problem which demands an even broader response to stop violence from happening in the first place.


“Changing attitudes that tolerate violence against women and girls will take time but is essential if we are to eradicate this blight on women’s lives. Tackling violence against women and girls is one of the Government’s top priorities.

“Since 1997, we’ve introduced specialist domestic violence courts, given more money for rape crisis centres and toughened the law. This has contributed to a 64 per cent decrease in incidents of domestic violence and a 50 per cent increase in rape convictions over the last ten years.

“But there is more to do and it’s vital that we have a coordinated cross-government approach to combating all forms of violence against women and girls. The Violence Against Women and Girls Strategy provides this and its focus on prevention is critical to long-term change.

“From 2011, gender equality and preventing violence in relationships will be included in the statutory PSHE curriculum. The Training and Development Agency for Schools is being asked to make sure that gender awareness and VAWG is included in a review of Professional Standards for Teachers in 2010. This will help to ensure that teachers have the skills and experience to tackle these issues effectively.

“However, we know that schools are only part of the solution. We need to make sure that the most troubled families get the support they need to stop problems from escalating. That is why we are increasing investment in Family Intervention Projects and, from 2012, 10,000 families per year with complex needs will get help to tackle difficult issues such as domestic violence.

“Over 400 FIP workers have already been trained to identify and respond to domestic violence and a recent evaluation showed that they are helping to significantly improve the lives of vulnerable families, including reducing incidences of domestic violence,” Ms Atkins added.

PREVENTION CHEAPER THAN THE CURE ?

I KNOW THIS IS A 'STATES' CLIP BUT IT APPLIES TO US IN THE U.K. TOO.
WHY CAN THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE NOT SEE THIS ?
HOW MANY MORE HAVE TO SUFFER BEFORE A REAL CHANGE IS MADE ?


Commentary: Don’t strip domestic violence from budget
John Marty, Bemidji Pioneer
Published Sunday, February 01, 2009
With the sobering news about our state’s massive budget deficit, it is clear that this legislative session will involve numerous budget cuts.

Unfortun-ately, the options here are poor – raise revenues, cut funding, or both. Gov. Pawlenty, looking to score political points, says he will use nothing but cuts and he hints that the deepest cuts will come in human services. But many of his likely cuts, in addition to causing real human suffering, are fiscally irresponsible and will cost taxpayers more in the long run.

We can learn from past mistakes. If we had invested in aggressively tackling certain social problems a decade ago when we had a budget surplus, we would not be facing the great expense of dealing with the impact of those problems now.

I can think of no better example of this shortsighted approach than the issue of domestic violence. A decade ago, many women and children who were being abused had no place to go – no safe housing and no counseling or other services. Many women did not know of any way out, so they remained with their abusers. And few abusers received any intervention or psychological counseling to stop their abusive behavior.

We know that most abusers were themselves, victims of abuse when they were children. Abuse victims grow up to become abusers.( i personally do not agree with this statement !!) They in turn, use violence on their partners and children who then become another generation of abusers. It is a cycle of violence that must be stopped.

Why didn’t Minnesota do more? It was a simple budget matter. The state chose not to invest the resources. Instead, the governor and legislators determined that money that could have been used for domestic violence or other problems was “surplus” to be used to cut taxes.

In 2003, facing a budget shortfall, Gov. Pawlenty and the Legislature made deep cuts in the already insufficient funding for battered women’s shelters and services. Al-though some funding was la-ter restored, the programs are still below the 2003 level. Many women still know of no place where they and their children can go to escape violence.

Unfortunately, when we fail to address a problem like dom-estic abuse, the problem does-n’t go away, it gets worse. Now we are facing the conse-quences of those decisions.( this is a true fact, the government must wake up and see this !!)

Each year, for about 30 Min-nesota women and children, domestic violence is fatal. About 800 more are hospital-ized. Take a minute to think about this. Think of the fam-ilies missing a daughter or a grandchild — 30 people killed every year and countless others living in fear and pain.( i have lost 2 sons ...and yes still live in fear !)

In addition to the human suffering, the economic implications of domestic abuse are huge. Our state and county budgets absorb much of the medical costs for the hundreds who are hospitalized from abuse. Taxpayers also pay the out-of-home placement costs for children removed from these homes. When there is a domestic murder, the state spends more than a quarter million dollars to lock up the murderer for each decade behind bars, plus the costs for arrest and prosecution.( why spend so much on these perpertrators ? lock them in a black hole with mere bread and water!!)

The 2003 cuts in domestic violence programs have not saved money. Instead, the violence continues and the state is forced to spend tens of millions of dollars to lock up a continuing stream of new abusers and to pay medical costs for the victims. These costs far outweigh the price of prevention and services for abuse victims up-front.( exactly ...prevention, prevention....sentences have got to change! detterance is the key to bringing down the numbers !)

Similarly, there are other areas of the state budget where a cut this year might cost the state three or four times as much in the future – early childhood education, preventive health care, chemical dependency treatment, or teen pregnancy prevention, to name a few.

This should teach us a lesson. We cannot undo the harm caused by our previous failures to tackle social problems. But we don’t need to repeat those mistakes.

In his recent State of the State address, Gov. Pawlenty said he wants to handle the entire budget problem with no increases in revenue; in fact he proposes cutting corporate taxes, which would make the deficit even larger. The governor dismisses large cuts in spending as if they are simply a matter of accoun-ting; as if the cuts will be painless to ordinary Minne-sotans. But these cuts are not just a bunch of numbers or statistics; they are real people with real needs.

We know there will be bud-get cuts this year. But as we address the budget deficit, Min-nesota needs to recognize that a further cut in services for domestic violence victims is not only wrong, it’s costly too.( what price do they put on my sons lives? )

John Marty, DFL-Roseville, is a member of the Minnesota Senate and a potential gubernatorial candidate in 2010.

it winds me up that the people in charge of our lives, as victims ,haven't got a clue....until it happens to them of course!!

Leaving and Safety

Leaving and Safety


On this page, we'll look at the topic of leaving an abusive relationship.
What many people who think that abusive relationships are easy to walk away from don't understand is that leaving, for some women, is extremely dangerous - the risk of rape or even homicide increases as a woman is leaving or after she has left. (Bergen, R. Wife Rape: Understanding the Response of Survivors and Service Providers, Sage Publications, California, 1996) Don't allow anybody to push you into doing anything before you feel ready. You know best what you need to do, and your assessment of danger is more accurate than anybody else's. If your life is in danger, you will need to discuss a safety plan with an advocate - we'll look at this further. Please be aware that what's on this page isn't an attempt to say "If you do A, B, OR C, you won't get hurt." Rather there is some information which may give you a chance of staying safe if you're leaving. If you are looking at leaving, I hope some of the information on this page will be useful to you at what can be a frightening and lonely time.
Some of what follows is based in my professional knowledge, and some in my own experiences.
Again, take what feels right for you and leave the rest.

FOR WOMEN ABUSED BY NON-COHABITING PARTNERS

Women who break up with partners they didn't live with also face threats, stalking, rape, and other acts of abuse or intimidation. This may be particularly true for teenage girls who have to go to school with their abusers. Some perpetrators who don't live with the partners they abuse actually step up control and intimidation tactics.
Teen dating violence is prevalent and increasing. If you are a teenager, please know that if you can't talk to anybody around you about your fear, the hotlines can help you. The following writing is intended for non-cohabiting partners as well as women who have lived with violent men.

WANT TO LEAVE BUT ARE FRIGHTENED?
This is entirely understandable - it is an act of defiance against somebody who has harmed you; it is painful and is a leap into the unknown. It is also true that for some women, leaving escalates a partner's violence., which you no doubt already know. Please, do call a hotline and discuss options for leaving safely. Are there any other supports you have? Perhaps you might list what they are, and how each of them can help you; i.e. is there a friend whom you know will lend you money? A family member who can put you and any children up? Do you need a police escort to help you leave? In preparation for leaving, it will be essential to make a safety plan that has the best chance of working for you. You may want to discuss this with a domestic violence worker. Please see this page: Safety Plans.

THINGS TO BEWARE OF
If you're leaving, it may be that you've tried many times before to go, and you know precisely the sort of sabotages that your partner has up his sleeve. This time, you may want to include as part of your safety plan how you will respond to these sabotages. Let's look at some of the emotional traps men who don't want to let go use (Easteal, P. And McOrmond-Plummer, L, Real Rape Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners, Hybrid Publishers, Melbourne, 2006):

Guilt Trips: Do you find that even though it's you who have been hurt, you care more about his feelings than you do about yourself? It's possible that in having to respond toy his needs, yours have had to come a big fat last every time. No fair, sister. You will need to try and put yourself first now. Please know that if he tells you his life is in the toilet without you and so on, you are not responsible, not for his life or his feelings. Consider that he knows which parts of you are fair game i.e. that you are inclined to sympathy for him, and he can turn those parts on and off at will. He does this to control you, not because you are heartless for leaving. Please also know that if he appeals to you to stay "for the children", that seeking to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship is not cruel to your children, it is an act of loving responsibility. You don't have to be 'nice". Judith Herman writes that women leaving a violent relationship must supress their most compassionate parts (Trauma And Recovery: From Domestic Abuse To Political Terror, Basic Books, USA, 1990) This was de\finitely true for me. The alst time I left, I was determined I was never going back. Paul attempted to engage my sympathy and guilt at every possible angle, and I had to ruthlessly deaden myself against it. This is incredibly difficult if you're a naturally compassionate person, but sometimes it's the only way. Do have support to talk to about how difficult it is. I used to cry my eyes out after a successful resistance session. It felt horrible, but I see that it saved me from falling to the guilt-trips.

Ardent wooing: When you threaten to leave, does your house look like a florist salon for a few days, while he gives you unusual help with the kids? Does he say you are the only woman he could ever love? Perhaps you find yourself thinking that this time it really will be different. If your ex is obsessively trying to get you to come back, please remember that no matter what he says, he is operating within a certain agenda. A violent partner usually does not have your interest at heart. He may genuinely love you, but love has become confused with ownership, and this is dangerous to you. Watch your heart too. You've loved him genuinely, and there is appeal in being loved back and believing that he's really sorry. Perhaps you've lived for these times of passionate love as they've given you temporary surcease from the violence. It may be that there's a degree of traumatic bonding going on (for more about this, please read this article). You need to think as he thinks, and get support as you extricate yourself.
Promises of change: He may pull out all the stops to convince you that he'll do anything for just one more chance to prove that he can change. Religious conversions are not unusual at this time, and he may promise you he'll attend counselling. If he is really serious about this, he will attend on his own, and the counselling will be centered around him taking responsibility for the violence. He will do this because hurting you is wrong, and he won't hold one or two appointments up as proof that he's such a good boy you should go back. Of course, if you are ready to leave, you may have stopped believing the promises. Please read How To Tell They are Not Changing Their Abusive Behavior.
Getting family, friends or clergy to appeal to you: Abusers often successfully manipulate not just their partners, but family, friends and even counsellors. Anybody who doesn't take the abuse you've experienced seriously enough to support you, or who has greater loyalty toward him than you, isn't the best person to be offering you advice, even if you do like and respect them.
Sex with your ex: Many women are so lonely and broken after the end and regardless of how bad the abuse was. When the abuser comes with declarations of love and entreaties to go back, they might find it difficult to resist going bed with him. You may feel as if he basically still owns you anyhow, and feel intense shame, as if he's all you're good for. But he is likely to think that this is a foot in the door to get you back. It doesn't help if you are trying to break free. If you can, the break needs to be as clean as possible.
The Coercion Factor: Some abusers understand that their control over a woman has not ended with the relationship, and they can continue to terrorize\ze and control her for even years after the end of a relationship. This is called the "coercion factor." Does your ex-partner still expect loans of money, or for you to have 'dates' with him? Women may acquiesce to such demands out of ongoing, trauma based fear. It might be hard for you to believe he can no longer call the shots in your life, and you are trying to survive - after all, defying him in the past has been dangerous. You are responding in ways that may have saved your life in the past. However, if you're afraid of frustrating him, consider that acquiescing to all his demands except what he really wants - your return - will frustrate him anyhow and be dangerous to you. Freedom must be true freedom. Please read this article about limiting contact with abusers - I think it's really helpful.
Overconfidence: I add this one because it was my experience and I hope to help a sister avoid the same pitfall :) The first time I left my abuser, I was free for 3 weeks - the longest I'd ever been free for. I was starting to believe in a future of freedom and felt a little stronger. I felt that I could "manage" him better, and so allowed him into my home one evening to talk to me. I was raped, and it was this rape that I remained most traumatized by for twenty years. I don't blame myself; it's just an honest assessment of something which was not helpful to me. Feeling confident in taking back your life is wonderful. But please, do remember that he may still be dangerous. Look after you, okay? What happens to you matters to me.

CHILDREN?
If he threatens suing you for custody of the children, this can be extremely frightening. I nearly went back because of it. Sometimes it's an idle threat - but a vile one that the abuser knows will frighten a mother. If you think it isn't, it's a good idea to seek legal advice. For women's legal advice bodies (some of which are free or nominal in cost) go here. If you must see him regarding children, make certain it is to see the children. Too many women have found that men use the pretext of visiting children to harass or abuse the mothers further. If this is what's happening to you, it is still unsafe. Is it possible for him to see the children on neutral territory?
Sometimes, there may be grounds for him having no access to the children if he is dangerous. You'll need to seek legal advice about this.
Please don't feel as if your seeking safety has deprived your children of growing up without a father. People, including him, may try to lay that one at your door. But the end of the relationship is a consequence of his behaviour. Please see here for some legal resources.

RESTRAINING ORDERS
If you are being stalked, surveilled, threatened or intimidated in any way, please think about a restraining order. If you feel you are still in danger, please contact the police.
Some women don't seek restraining orders because they're afraid such action may provoke the abuser, or will be useless. Of course they don't offer ironclad guarantees, but they are shown to be helpful in a high proportion of cases. Do read this and see what you think:

Orders for Protection; New News: Only 20% of women who report partner violence get protection orders, known as restraining orders that prohibit their abusers from certain types of contact. While the effectiveness of these orders has been a subject of debate, a new large-scale study suggests that they can and do work. A retrospective study of 2691 victims of partner abuse found that those who received a permanent court-ordered protection order (usually lasting 12 months) had an 80% less risk of further abuse compared with women not receiving a protection order. Women who received temporary protection orders (usually in effect for 2 weeks) were no more likely to experience physical abuse than women without any protection order although their risk of psychological abuse (harassment, stalking and threats) was far greater. The study was authored by Dr. Mary A. Kernic of the University of Washington and the Harborview Injury Prevention and Research Center in Seattle and published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in August 2002.
Newsletter of Silent Witness National Initiative Nov. 2002)

You may also want to lay charges, and you are entitled to this. Speak to a domestic violence advocate/counsellor about this - go here for contacts.
For some women, going underground is an option because they will never be safe otherwise.
Remember that plenty of women, self included, get out, survive and go on to have happy and productive lives. Here is a link about restraining orders.

STALKING
Stalking is a serious problem, and entails a deliberate pattern of threatening or annoying behaviour in the form of following you, threats, phone calls, letters, emails, sending "gifts" ("nice" gifts like flowers, or macabre items like dismembered animal parts), driving by your home, approaching you or your property, or surveillance - watching you, or tapping your phone. Although we most often hear about stalking in terms of celebrities who are victims, the most common context for stalking is after the end of a relationship, especially where there has been violence. American statistics estimate that 90% of women murdered by violent ex-partners were stalked prior to the killings (Stalked: Breaking the Silence on the Crime of Stalking in America, Schaum, M, and Parrish, K. Pocket Books, New York (1995 ).

Teen girls often face stalking by ex-boyfriends as well, which can be problematic if both attend the same school. Violent ex-partners often believe they have a right to reclaim, pursue or punish their ex-partner.
Remember that stalking is a crime. The feelings of fear and unsafety created by stalking may also make it hard for you to move into healing.
If you are taking police action (it is strongly recommended you do), evidence is important. Always record dates and times of incidents. Preserve emails and letters, or gifts. Keep telephone messages. If possible, ask your workmates or neighbours to tell you if they see somebody fitting the stalker's description near your home, school or place of work. Ask any witnesses if they are prepared to testify. For helpful stalking resources, go here

RAPE
Sexual assault if you threaten to leave or after you have left may be a punishment or a form of sabotage. It is usually all about exerting control. Your partner may believe that if he can "have" you in that way, you'll come back - he may also be attempting to make you pregnant to force you to remain/go back. Some women are not raped until they leave, but if he's used rape as a form of control or punishment in the past, chances are he'll see it as fair game. Contrary to the view of rape of an ex-partner as an act of passion by a desperate man, it of often premeditated, and is a vicious way of trying to force you to change your mind or inflict punishment on you for exercising the right to make choices about your future.

Be very careful of being alone with him. Some perpetrators plead that they "just want to talk to you - perhaps to "say goodbye nicely" and rape may be heralded by late-night visits. Other perpetrators kidnap their partners of the street for the purpose of rape or surprise them when they're alone)



If you are raped in an attempt to leave, or after you have left (and I hope you will not be), you might want to speak to a rape crisis worker about your feelings and options re reporting. Remember that delayed reporting can lead to the disappearance of vital evidence.
Whether you lay charges or not, you also might want to go to a hospital for injury or pregnancy issues - you can have a rape crisis worker or good friend attend with you. Please see the article What do do if you have been raped.. Also, try to get compassionate support as soon as you can. You deserve it.


COUNSELLING
You may want to try counselling, or your partner may entreat you to go to counselling to save your relationship. Please be aware that if your partner is taking no (real) responsibility for the violence, couples counselling is not a safe option for you. Some couples counsellors see violence as a mutual problem rather than something he does to control you - they may assume a level playing field. Also, they may collude with an abuser who is able to manipulate them. Any counselling should be undertaken at least initially alone, and predicated on empowering you; acknowledging that the perpetrator is responsible for the abuse.


GETTING SUPPORT
I know I've said "get support" over and over again on this page. Here are just couple of ways in which you may do that: Domestic violence advocates are compassionate and trained in assisting women with many parts of the leaving process, both before and after. Counselling is usually free and is confidential. See this page.
The messageboard I co-moderate for survivors of rape and sexual assault has a forum for abusive relationships. You are most welcome to register and post for support. Alternatively, here is a board especially for survivors of domestic violence. It is a very supportive place, and there are women there who have faced every dilemma that you will face. They will support you.

''it's your duty'' rape is rape...you have the right to say no even if it is your partner/ husband

Marital Rape
The main differences between stranger rape and marital rape
Different types of rape
The problem of defining Marital Rape as Rape
Further information and resources on Marital Rape
Poll: Do you think Marital/Intimate Rape should be penalised the same as Stranger Rape?
Recovering from Marital Rape: a Personal Journey
Rape is Rape.

Rape is rape, regardless of the relationship between the rapist and the victim. It can be a total stranger; someone you recognise by sight, but have never really communicated with; someone you know superficially, a neighbour or a colleague; a friend, a boy-friend or a former boyfriend; a live-in partner, or a former partner; someone you are married to or have been married to in the past.

Rape is a very personal and intimate traumatic experience. Our experiences of and reactions to rape may differ widely, and although there are many similarities in the way that we feel about being the victim of rape, regardless of the relationship between us and the rapist, there are differences between stranger and intimate rape, and in this section I am trying to describe and offer an understanding of some of the specific problems regarding marital rape (or rape by an intimate) as opposed to stranger rape.

Please note that in this page I refer to wives and husbands, however, it can be understood to refer to all rapes perpetrated by an intimate. Also, I am only looking at rape and sexual assault on women, since this is by far the most common situation, though rape and sexual abuse also occur too frequently in same-sex relationships.

The main differences between stranger rape and marital rape
Stranger rape is usually a one-off, someone you don't know, with whom you don't share any experiences or history. When the assault happens, there can be no doubt as to what is happening: that it is Rape (though even in such situations the victim will often wonder what she has done to precipitate the assault and will blame herself). In marital rape the circumstances are very different. It is - quite apart from a physical and sexual violation - a betrayal of trust. Here is a person whom you thought you knew intimately, with whom you share a history, a home and quite often children. Here is a person whom you have made love to on a frequent basis often over many years, with whom you have shared your most intimate secrets and fears, and whom you believe to love you, want the best for you, who would never intentionally hurt you. Marital rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental basis of the marital relationship, because it questions every understanding you have not only of your partner and the marriage, but of yourself. You end up feeling betrayed, humiliated and, above all, very confused.

"When it is the person you have entrusted your life to who rapes you, it isn’t just physical or sexual assault, it is a betrayal of the very core of your marriage, of your person, of your trust."
Also, while stranger rape is a sexual act of violence outside (as in: apart from) the victims normal relationships, marital rape has to be understood in the context of an abusive relationship, that is, in the context of emotional and possibly physical abuse.

One of the differences between stranger and intimate rape is that stranger rape will nearly always involve a certain degree of physical violence (one notable exception to this is rape involving the date rape drug) while a lot of cases of marital rape will involve coercion and only enough force to control the victim, known as 'force-only' rapes (see below).

Another problem victims of marital rape face is that such instances are rarely a one-off, but a repeated if not frequent occurance. This can be a huge issue to the victim, because she will feel as though she has somehow 'asked for it' by staying or putting herself in the situation where it can happen again. Also, once it has been tolerated on a number of occassions, she may question her right to then act upon it.

Different types of rape
Marital rape is generally sub-divided into three categories: those rapes which involve a degree of violence, those that use enough force to control the victim, known as 'force-only' rapes, and sadistic rapes.

Violent rape occurs, as the name suggests, when the abuser uses enough physical violence to cause injury to the victim, apart from any injuries due to the rape itself, ie injuries to the genital area or breasts. Examples would include the husband punching his wife or injuring her with a knife - the rape being part of a violent assault, or the violence being a part of the rape. Many abusers will also force their wives to submit to sexual acts after a physical assault, either to prove her forgiveness or to further intimidate and humiliate her - and if the wife should refuse such an act, even the threat of further violence (or a previous experience!) will soon ensure her compliance.

'Force-only' rape is usually understood to include only enough force used on the part of the abuser to control or hold his wife in position, eg holding down the victim by her arms or wrists to prevent her defending herself or escaping. This form of rape is common where there is a larger contrast between the physical size and strength of abuser and victim, or in abusive relationships where physical violence is infrequent or non-existent (insofar as one does not categorise sexual assault itself as a violent act). In most cases of 'force-only' rape, coercion plays a large part. The victim may also be so confused and numbed by constant emotional abuse, that she simply does not know how to act or react when sex is forced on her.

Sadistic rape is sometimes also present. This tends to indicate that in addition to the rape itself, the victim is either forced to comply with or undergo deeds designed to further humiliate her. Examples of this would be the abuser/rapist urinating on the victim, acting out a fantasy of torturer, or using other object during a rape. Sadistic rape may or may not involve further violence. Some people consider buggery as a sadistic form of rape, since its effect on victim is often particularly humiliating.

It is difficult defining clear-cut lines between the different types of rape, since rape can involve any of the above or a combination of them. For instance, the rapist may use coercion tactics and enough force to control the victim initially, but then use increased violence if the victim struggles. Many victims of marital rape feel guilty for not having struggled more, or have been told that if they did not try to physically fight their abuser and thereby sustained injuries, that it is not 'real rape'. This can be extremely distressing and add to the trauma already experienced. What has to be remembered is that when you are living with your abuser, you are often very finely tuned to him, employing numerous coping mechanisms to limit the damage to yourself: you may realise either consciously or subconsciously that if you struggle, he is likely to get violent or take his anger out on you in other ways.

"I tried to push him off me, so he grabbed both my arms and flung them above my head, held them there and continued ... He held my arms by the wrists with one of his hands and held them so tight and with so much of his weight on them, that they really hurt and then started losing any sensation. When he finally let go I did not make the same mistake again ..."
Other reasons a woman may not fight back are so as not to disturb children sleeping nearby, thereby risking them witnessing the rape; shock or confusion at what is happening which paralyses her; and real concern for her abuser, which results in her not wanting to do anything which may harm or injure her rapist even to the detrement of herself.

Research seems to indicate that in the context of an abusive relationship, the woman is most likely to be subjected to rape towards the end of the relationship, or after she has left, though several women have reported that their boyfriends raped them at the very beginning of their relationship - which is reminiscent of the ancient custom of capturing and raping women to be able to claim them as wives. It would appear that where rape starts in an established relationship, that rape is often used by an abuser when other control tactics, such as isolation or emotional abuse are no longer sufficient to maintain his power and hold over her, or to punish her for either leaving or trying to leave. Only too often, this works.

Did you know ...
Marital Rape was only made a criminal act in the UK in 1991? Up until then it was considered impossible for a man to rape or sexually assault his wife. To quote:
"A husband cannot rape his wife unless the parties are seperated or the court has by injunction forbidden him to interfere with his wife or he has given an undertaking in court no to interfere with her." (The Law Made Simple, The Chaucer Press, 1981)
The problem of defining marital rape as Rape
Many women who are victims of marital rape have great difficulty in defining it as such. The traditional idea that it is impossible for a man to rape his wife and that somehow, in taking our marriage vows we have abdicated any say over our own body and sexuality, basically denied ourselves the right to say 'no', is still prevalent amongst wives as much as amongst their husbands. A wife being raped will often question her right to refuse intercourse with her husband, and while she may realise that legally it now constitutes rape, there are many reasons which may prevent her from perceiving it in such a light.

We prefer to see it possibly as a communication problem (did I make it clear enough that I did not want intercourse tonight), we may see it as an act for which the man is not fully responsible due to his nature (men have a biological need to have sex and if there is a woman next to them in bed when they are in the mood they just cannot help it), we may see it as a misunderstanding (although I told him I didn't want to, maybe I gave him the wrong signals somehow), we may have religious issues which question our right to refuse intercourse (I have got to submit myself to him and accept his will above mine as my Lord and Master).

Basically, as wives being raped by our husbands, we look for every reason, every excuse to deny it is Rape because we do not want to accept the alternative: it is Rape, he is hurting and humiliating us with intent, we can no longer trust him, turn to him in comfort, gain reassurance and protection from his company and our home is no longer safe.

Please don't hurt me, I'm only 10, girl told rapist

Please don't hurt me, I'm only 10, girl told rapist


The youngest victim of an alleged serial rapist wept yesterday as she described how he snatched her from outside a youth club.

Clutching a fluffy toy dog, the 10-year-old girl wiped tears from her eyes while reliving her ordeal at the trial of Antoni Imiela.

Speaking via video link to Maidstone Crown Court, she said she begged the man not to hurt her, explaining she was only 10 years old, as he grabbed her from behind and carried her through stinging nettles into nearby undergrowth.

Imiela, 49, a married railway worker, is accused of raping five women and three girls across the South-East between November 2001 and October 2002. The 10-year-old is said to have been his first victim. He is also charged with kidnapping, indecently assaulting and attempting to rape another 10-year-old girl in Birmingham in November 2002.

Imiela sat emotionless as the girl described how he grabbed her and put his hand over her mouth in Ashford, Kent, in November 2001.

"I said, 'Please don't do anything to me, I'm innocent'. He said, 'I know you are. If you shut up I won't harm you. If you scream or cry or anything I will break your legs or kill you'.

"I knew he was coming over the road, but I didn't know he was going to take me. I'm just a little girl. I don't know about these things."

After her ordeal, she crossed the road and knocked at a door. John Sage, who opened the door, told the court: "She said, 'Can you help me?' She said she had been raped. I took a step back and saw she was wearing only a T-shirt and a sock."

His wife, Louise, said: "She was such a broken little girl. She wasn't crying. She couldn't cry. She looked so lifeless. She stood there rigid and just kept saying she had been raped."

Imiela, of Appledore, near Ashford, denies the charges. The trial continues.

makes my blood boil.
how? why? aaaaaaaaaaargh evil .....mad?................evil...the hurt goes on

david camerons pledge dec 2008

Cameron promises to tackle violence against womenConservative leader's pledge comes as the home secretary, Jacqui Smith, says the government will launch a consultation to find out what can be done to improve the safety of womenHélène Mulholland and agencies
guardian.co.uk, Monday 22 December 2008 16.10 GMT
Article history
David Cameron today pledged that a Conservative government would fund 15 additional rape crisis centres to tackle violence against women.

The Conservative leader promised to spend £2.6m to increase the current network of crisis centres by a third as part of wide-ranging plans to conquer domestic violence, rape, forced marriage and trafficking.

The Tory leader sought to highlight his party's determination to stamp out violence against women as Jacqui Smith, the home secretary, said she was set to launch a consultation to find out what the governmment could do to improve the safety of women "in their homes, at work and in public".

The political commitments from both parties to beef up measures to root out violence against women came as Crimestoppers launched an appeal for people to give information about the domestic abuse of a family member, friend, colleague or neighbour over the Christmas period.

A spokeswoman said changes in the Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act 2004 now allowed Crimestoppers to play a "more active part" in asking for information.

There was no risk to the anonymity of the caller, and their information could be "vital" in getting offenders prosecuted.

Crimestoppers spokeswoman Hannah Daws said: "Christmas is a time when many people socialise and invariably their alcohol consumption increases. A large proportion of domestic violence cases involve alcohol so it is important that people are aware that this devastating crime continues throughout the festive season."

Cameron used an interview with the Radio 4's Woman's Hour to promise that a Tory government would implement a cross-departmental strategy on tackling violence against women and ensure that all police recruits receive appropriate training on issues such as domestic violence, stalking, female genital mutilation, rape, "honour"-based violence, and forced marriage.

Three million women in Britain experience violence each year, according to the Tories. Domestic violence accounts for 16% of all violent crime, and over 80% of its victims are women.

The Tory leader said he would end the process of short-term annual funding decisions by introducing stable three-year funding cycles for rape crisis centres.

The proposals, outlined in a document entitled Ending Violence Against Women, also include provisions for the teaching of sexual consent compulsory in the sex education curriculum and clear guidance to teachers about specific forms of violence against women.

Women housed in refuges following domestic violence would also be allowed a "three-month grace period" during which they would not have to seek work in order to qualify for jobseeker's allowance, Cameron explained.

The Tory leader said his party and the government had much "common ground" on the issue of domestic violence.

He said: "We should work together on this very important issue, which is trying to end the violence that takes place against women in our society - 3 million women every year suffer some sort of violent attack.

"I think the difference is that we've produced this document today, which is a cross-departmental strategy, and the government haven't yet done that."

The Tory leader said there were many different forms of violence against women and they required "different answers".

Smith said she was set to launch a consultation to find out what ministers could do to improve the safety of women "in their homes, at work and in public".

She said domestic violence was a "devastating hidden crime" and the government was determined to tackle it in all its forms.

Successful prosecutions against perpertrators have risen from 46% to 72% in the last five years as a result of improvements in the criminal justice system, said Smith.

"We now have 104 specialist domestic violence courts and we have committed over £6m to support the expansion of independent domestic violence advisers and multi-agency risk assessment conferences across the country."

The government was increasing its efforts over the Christmas period through a domestic violence enforcement campaign in 10 police forces, she added.

Smith said: "But we know there is still more to be done, particularly in the area of prevention by better identifying potential victims.I want people to recognise that we all have a role to play in ending violence against women."

Domestic violence can lead to foetal loss

Domestic violence can lead to foetal loss
Friday, 23 Jan 2009 07:56

A new study has found women who experience domestic violence are 50 per cent more likely to lose their baby in at least one pregnancy.

Researchers looked at more than 2,500 pregnant women in Africa and found repeated foetal loss was also associated with all forms of spousal violence, with emotional violence the most commonly linked.

The authors claim their findings support the idea of prenatal screening for spousal violence in Africa, the region with the highest levels of foetal loss in the world.

They add that because a large proportion of risk for recurrent foetal mortality is attributable to spousal violence, and therefore, is potentially preventable.

"Our findings support the idea of routine prenatal screening for spousal violence in the African setting, a region with the highest rate of foetal death in the world."

They add if the prevalence of spousal abuse could be reduced to 50 per cent, 25 per cent, or eliminated completely, preventable excess recurrent foetal loss would be 17 per cent, 25 per cent, and 33 per cent respectively.

In an accompanying comment, Dr Claudia Garcia-Moreno, from the World Health Organisation, said: "More support is needed for education and information for health-care providers and the integration of intimate-partner violence and sexual violence into existing initiatives for maternal, infant, and child health.

"There is also a major need for more research on primary prevention interventions. The focus on foetal outcomes should not detract from the impact of violence on women's health and lives. Violence against women is a violation of their human rights."

REACH OUT , SPEAK OUT, GET OUT !!!!!!

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH.
FREEDOM OF CHOICE AND RIGHTS.

TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE GONE BEFORE ME.
TO ALL THOSE WHO LAY AHEAD......SPEAK UP.
DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE.
THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOU WILL ONE DAY BE FREE.


VIRTUAL HUGS AND STRENGTH I SEND TO YOU

Our Future is in His Hands !!!!!

The time has come ,the perpertrator.... is free .how can this be?
My boy ,Dan no longer here to suffer along side. In Fear
His fathers violence,the nightmares caused ,the head spinning
There's no remedy, no cure ..for what has passed, what he saw.
Threats too many ,weigh heavy on shattered minds
Losing Dan,the biggest pain,the deepest loss
With no real time to grieve,my broken heart will never mend.
How can one man have such evil power over so many
Do such damage and then walk free
Why does he have the right to breathe ,when my son does not.
What will he do with this new found freedom
Will he come? will he kill?
Will he destroy all the love i built
Will he end our dreams of a future bright
It's in his hands...we fear.
How are we to know what choices he makes?
Until it's too late.
We live each day...with his words ringing in our ears
We live each night awake, every smell, sound and all movement,alert
We dont actually live....we are existing
Until he decides the outcome
And Why? Because the Law gives him that right.
The Law cannot hold him prisoner for ever
Yet we are prisoners for the rest of our lives
And We Are the Victims.
I have never understood the sentencing
In the sense ..it's too weak to deter evil .
I have battled and petitioned ,begged and pleaded
Lost Two children
What more does this government and law system want from me
How much more pain must i endure
How many more lives does it take,to get heard,to make that change ?
How blind and deaf the rulers of our lives are
We must open their eyes to the harsh reality
Scream in their ears of the pain we suffer
The only ones that can truly understand are those
That walk the path of fear
and unfortunately the numbers are growing.
Why arent we then the controllers of our lives?
Maybe we should be the ones who set sentence
As we are the ones who know how deep this goes and how far it spreads
It will continue to do so....until the changes are made
If it were life for life ,my perpertrator would have to die twice
If I was vengeful I would end it now,by becoming like him
Take him out ....so the rest of my children could be free
But then where does that leave me?
It's not within me , he knows that
and that, I fear, is what made me a victim
I could not be violent
I could not purposefully cause pain and loss
I have a mind , I have a heart and a soul
If I were to revenge Dans recent death
I would become like him.
So....the result.
Live in fear and pray justice will be done one day.